Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The State's Attorney's August 10th Press Conference

The following is a fictional account of the Baltimore state's attorney's August 10th press conference:

Baltimore State's Attorney Patricia C. Jessamy's Opening Statement:

Citizens of Baltimore, I know what you want. Accountability. Integrity. Effort. Results. That is why I am calling today for an investigation of Police Commissioner Fred Bealefeld.

Reporter: I don't understand. You want an investigation of whether, while in uniform, he asked a community activist/politician to meet with Gregg Bernstein, your challenger for state's attorney?

Jessamy: That's right. When the people ask for accountability, I make sure the police give it to them.

Reporter: You once asked all the employees of your office to sign a birthday card for display at your annual fund-raising birthday party. And your office spokeswoman once appeared at a woman's Republican club to denounce Mayor O'Malley's crime statistics, boasting how you were going to expose him. How do you to reconcile your position today with your using city employees to further your political agenda?

Jessamy: That's different. The people elected me. I can do whatever I want.

Reporter: What about your own accountability? Why didn't you take responsibility when your office dropped robbery charges against John Wagner a few months before his arrest for murdering Stephen Pitcairn? You claimed "no victim, no case," but you had a victim who worked for the city and a videotape of the robbery. You even dropped the case at a preliminary hearing, before the victim was even needed.

I am the state's attorney. A case is only as good as I say it is.

Reporter: You are suggesting today that the police commissioner isn't telling the truth about whether he was wearing his uniform when he spoke to a citizen about Bernstein. What about Zach Sowers, who was beaten into a coma by some robbers? Your spokesperson claimed after the trial and after he died that he only fell down between a couple of cars.

Jessamy: The police lied and the jury lied. That man was sleeping like a baby. When his whiny wife criticized my handling of the case, I had to tell the truth.

Reporter: You say you want results. Commissioner Bealefeld has presided over the largest, most sustained drop in violent crime these last few years. On the other hand, the program with which you were entrusted, the violent repeat offender program (War Room), failed because you ignored it. Can you comment on that?

Jessamy: I get credit for all violent crime reductions because I am the state's attorney. Unless crime goes up, of course, in which case the police get the blame. As for the War Room, no one else cared that it failed, not until that Gregg Bernstein brought it up. But I just issued a press release about a war room case that blames the judge, so I am not ignoring it any longer.

Reporter: You have openly criticized and fought with four police commissioners. Can we expect anything different if you are re-elected?

Jessamy: Absolutely not. You see, the only way I can get elected is to pretend that I am protecting the public. And if I can't protect them from criminals like John Wagner, then I will protect them from the police. And if I am re-elected, just wait until I get back at Bealefeld. You ain't seen nothing yet.

Reporter: How will you protect citizens from the police?

Jessamy: First, when police officers make bad arrests or fail to investigate cases to the extent we need, I will publicly blame them and the commissioner. It's a whole lot easier and much more satisfying than trying to work with them to fix the problem. Then when I have sufficiently undermined the public's confidence in all police officers, I will watch juries acquit criminals and blame the police again.

Reporter: What is your most significant accomplishment?

Jessamy: Working to get new gun and gang legislation.

Reporter: So why did you walk out on a Senate committee hearing on gun legislation?

Jessamy: Because I should have had the credit. Stephanie Rawlings-Blake didn't give me the credit. She gave O'Malley the credit. [Getting red in the face, stamping foot.] I should have had the credit! And if I don't get the credit, what good is the legislation?

Reporter: Is investigating the police commissioner for speaking to someone about supporting your opponent the most serious topic on your agenda this campaign?

Jessamy: It most certainly is. I need to get on camera. Gregg Bernstein is raising so much money--don't ask me how--that even appearing ridiculous is better than no publicity at all.


  1. Hahaha! I love it. Could almost see it actually happening, except that no reporter with access to a news conference would dare to ask legitimate questions like this.

  2. Page, terrific and yeah, this is EXACTLY the issue - Jessamy is being relected because lazy voters [read many black women] will simply hit a ballot based upon race and feeling familiar with the candidate [middle aged lady]. I'm a middle aged woman and voting Bernstein now that I moved from the County to the City. Maybe you should run, Page. How much the more to win and then investigate Jessamy for misconduct/malfeasance in office. How is it that she keeps getting away with it, maybe a special prosecutor like the one who got rid of Dixon.